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for Singles
Here's the July/August
article from my website. It's a follow-up to my previous article
("The Cure for Commitment Phobia"). I realize that some of
you have difficulty believing that it is best to save the sex for
marriage. I used to be in that same place several years ago.
It might be time for you to ask yourself, "How's that working for
me?" I have learned that I will never get into a long-term
committed relationship if I continue to do the things I did to get into
what turned out to be "short-term" relationships. In
other words, you have to do things DIFFERENTLY if you want a
DIFFERENT outcome.
The Sept./Oct. article
will be a further follow-up entitled "How to Know if You Are Sexually
Compatible Without Having Sex."
Remember, all of the
articles that I've written are available on my website and you can look at
the listing by clicking on the following link:
Happy Summer!
Melody
July/August 2004 ARTICLE:
"How
to Delay Sexual Intimacy"
By Melody
Ellenberger
There have been many articles written about why it is important to save
sexually intimacy for marriage, but very few give specific information about
HOW to "save it" for the wedding night. I believe this is
one of the reasons many singles struggle in this area. It’s not that
they don’t have the capacity to "save it," it’s that they
haven’t been taught HOW to "save it." So, let’s look at
some ideas about HOW to remain sexually pure until marriage.
First, I’d like you to think back to a time in your past when you gave
into sexual temptation. Think about how you would answer the following
questions:
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*What
emotions were you experiencing just prior to the temptation?
- Were you thinking
about how long it had been since you had any affection?
- Were you still
wounded from your last break up?
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*How
would you rate your self-esteem PRIOR to the temptation?
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Were you feeling
unattractive and unlovable?
*How
would you rate your self-esteem AFTER the temptation?
- Did you feel like a
deflated tire that had just been pumped with fresh air?
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*What
was the atmosphere or the scene around you at the time of the
temptation? Where were you? How were the people
behaving around you?
- Were you in a bar?
- Were you dancing?
- Were you at the
office working late with a sexy co-worker?
- Were you at a
private party where the people around you were drinking and
engaging in heavy flirtation?
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*What
were you wearing? (Applies mostly to women.)
- Were you wearing
revealing clothes?
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*How
many alcoholic drinks had you consumed at the time you decided to
give in to the temptation?
 More than 2 drinks?
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*What
were the circumstances of the temptation?
- Were you making or
receiving the proposition?
- Were you asked to
follow him/her home? Or did you invite the person to
your place? Or did you just go for a drive together?
- Were you invited to
dinner at his/her place early in the dating relationship and
arrive to find the place bathed in candlelight and Marvin Gaye
playing on the stereo?
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With your answers to the above questions in mind, let’s now look at
healthy strategies that will help you guard your purity.
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Realize your emotional
condition has a lot to do with how likely you are to give in to sexual
temptation. You are most vulnerable when your self-esteem and
self-worth are at a low point. Find healthy ways to boost your
ego, instead of sex. There are many things you can do that will
help you feel good about yourself.
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Confine your interactions
with a new dating partner to public places for at least the first
2 months. Why? The best way to avoid temptation is to avoid
tempting situations. When you are alone in private with someone
new that you are very attracted to, it is much more difficult to decline
a sexual advance. Also, I believe it’s against the law to have
sex in a public place, isn’t it? There’s also a sense of
safety when you meet in a public place. During those first two
months, have a conversation or two about the values and morals that you
live by. When you feel confident that your dating partner
understands your morals/values, respects them and agrees with them, then
you can try meeting in a private setting. Remember, trust and
respect are built when you see consistent behavior over several months.
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Meet your new dating partner
at the date location for at least the first few weeks. The
reasoning behind this is similar to number 2 above. If you
just met the person you are dating, then you barely know them. It
is very risky to give out your home address and get into a car with
someone you barely know. Also, lots of intimate things can happen
inside a car, right? WARNING: This boundary is one that meets with lots
of resistance. Please keep in mind that if this new person is
offended and does not understand and respect your safety needs, stop
dating him/her. A person who doesn’t show you respect at the
very beginning will not likely show you much respect later on.
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Avoid being sexually
flirtatious or having explicit conversations about sex with your new
dating partner during at least the first couple of months. This
kind of conversation and flirtatiousness sends the wrong message.
It says, "The only thing I think about and am really interested in
is sex." Is that what you want your dating partner to think?
Of course it is important to eventually have a conversation about sex,
but wait until you know you have compatibility in the other areas (i.e.,
lifestyle, conversation style, emotional style, financial style, social
style, spiritual style, hobbies/interests, etc.).
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Avoid wearing revealing
clothing. Obviously, this one applies mainly to women.
Revealing clothes (i.e. super short skirts/dresses, super tight
pants/skirts/dresses, tops/dresses that reveal bulging cleavage, etc.)
also send the wrong message. They say, "I’m trying to make
myself as sexually attractive as possible so that you will jump my
bones." It’s difficult for a man to concentrate on your
inner beauty when your exterior is screaming. There’s plenty of
time to wear sexy clothes after you are married—when you can think
about sex with your spouse all you want.
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Limit your alcohol
consumption to no more than 2 drinks in an evening. Alcohol slows
down the brain activity that controls judgment and inhibitions. It
makes you more aggressive, self-disclosing and sexually daring.
Whatever urges you feel when sober, you are more likely to act upon if
intoxicated.
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Strengthen your resolve to
remain pure by reading books that emphasize the importance of sexual
purity. There are several books on this subject and one that I
highly recommend is The Power of Passion. You may also want
to join a singles Bible study. Surrounding yourself with friends
who share the same high morals will help you to feel supported in your
resolve to remain pure.
Lastly, I encourage you not to give up on purity just because the next
person you date dumps you when he/she learns you are saving it until the
wedding night. Eventually, you will meet someone who is looking for
the same kind of relationship you are and you will both be glad you waited.
1 Timothy 4:12 - … set an
example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in
purity.
Melody Ellenberger
Certified Training Specialist
www.SinglesWorkshops.com
303.750.2208
"Imagine how
different your life would be if you cared as much about
educating yourself for a lasting relationship, as you did
educating yourself for a successful career?"
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