"HOW TO DETERMINE SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY WITHOUT HAVING SEX"

By Melody Ellenberger

        The reason many singles are reluctant to "save it" until marriage is because they are afraid that the sex will be bad. Therefore, they use the excuse that the only way to determine whether someone will be good in bed or sexually compatibility is to "do it."  If you are of that opinion, it is my hope that in reading this article, you will allow your mind to stretch and make room for a healthier alternative.

        It takes a whole lot more than wearing sexy clothes and being a good kisser to be a good lover.  When you are dating someone, it is important to pay attention to the person’s behavior.  Here are some questions that may help you in determining if the person has the capacity to be a good lover:

• Do you like the sound of his/her voice?  It is important to notice whether there is expression in the person’s voice.  Also, do you like the tone and quality of his/her voice?
• Does he/she listen attentively as you share intimate details about yourself?  Someone who is listening attentively is making appropriate eye contact, exhibiting open body language (arms relaxed at the sides and perhaps leaning slightly forward).  The person will also remember some of the details you’ve shared and bring them up in a future conversation.
• Is he/she willing to share intimate details about himself/herself? An available, loving person has the ability to be vulnerable and open up.  Also, it is important to notice the amount of emotion expressed in the sharing.  Of course, a little excitement or a little sadness is normal, but pay attention to the extremes.
• Is his/her only topic of conversation himself/herself?  This is probably an obvious one—a good lover is a person who is able to talk about a variety of subjects.
• Does he/she have a spirit of helpfulness?  Is he or she willing to open a door, help you carry something, help you fix something, etc.  Also, pay attention to whether the person has the ability to reciprocate.  A person who is able to give of himself/herself makes a better lover.
• How does he/she respond to change?  Flexibility is an important character trait that should not be forgotten.  A good lover is someone who can easily adapt.
• Is he/she able to occasionally come up with creative and spontaneous ideas for dates that are out of the ordinary?  Pay attention to how willing he/she is to try something that you haven’t done together before.  A person who can be creative and spontaneous while dating is much more likely to be a creative, spontaneous lover.
• Does he/she appear to be comfortable when you hug each other?  You want to be with someone that makes you feel at ease.  A good lover is able to reach out for a hug that lasts for more than one or two seconds.
• Has the person mentioned reading articles or books regarding relationships and sex?  A good lover is a knowledgeable lover.
• Are you able to talk intimately about sex?  This is the most important one of all.  A good lover is someone who can talk about the intimate details of sex.  You can’t learn everything you need to know from books, etc., as each person has different needs.  If you can talk about your likes and dislikes, you will know whether or not you are compatible.

        Your dating partner is not a car.  He/she does not need to be "test-driven."  He/she needs to be understood, respected, honored and cherished as a precious child of God.  We also need to have more faith and trust in God that he will pair us with a partner that is a good fit (in every sense of the word).

        I would like to end this article by sharing with you an intimate, true story my mother told me about my father.  First, I have to give you a little history.  My mother is just one year younger than my father and they grew up in the same small town in Colorado, so they knew each other pretty well, although they did not become romantically involved until after they had graduated high school.

        On one of their early dates, they spent the evening dancing and then drove to a scenic overlook where they lost track of time and talked for hours.  As they became surrounded by the romance of a beautiful sunrise, they began kissing passionately.  My mother started getting scared that things might go too far and she pulled back.  My father sensed her fears and said these precious words to her,

        "Honey, I know how you feel about wanting to wait, and I want you to know that that is ok with me and we won’t ever go too far."

        Those simple words were just what my mother needed to hear in order to trust him and relax in his presence.  And his words remained in line with his actions, as over the next year and a half of their dating relationship, he never tried to push her into sexual intimacy.  They "saved it" for the wedding night and to this day, they have no regrets.

        I thought about the story for a while and then had another conversation with my mother. I said to her,

        "Mom, I’ll bet when you thought about how comfortable and safe you felt when you were with him, how you shared the same sense of humor, how you had similar life goals, how much you enjoyed his kisses, his hugs and his affectionate touches….I’ll bet that when you considered all of those things, that worrying about how good he was going to be in bed was the last thing on your mind."

        And she answered, "Yes, it was."

        And I said, "And I’ll bet he didn’t disappoint you."

        And she replied, "No, he didn’t."

Luke 16:10 - Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.