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Ron Tallman, Publisher |
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ORIGINS OF A NEGATIVE ATTITUDE TOWARD MARRIAGE By Melody Ellenberger I want to share with you a "wake-up call" I had about five years ago (five years after my divorce). It was 5 p.m. on a Friday and a co-worker asked what my plans were for the weekend. I told him about a singles group event that I was attending on Saturday. He then said, "I thought you were married?" To which I offensively replied, "Married?! What makes you think I’m married?!" (I figured he must think I look like a frumpy, boring ‘ol housewife.) With a puzzled and surprised look on his face, he answered, "I don’t know, I guess I just thought you were probably taken." "Oh, you meant that as a compliment." "Yes…of course." "Oh…(Melody wakes up)…hmmm…" Right then and there I realized I was hanging on to a negative attitude toward marriage. No wonder I had not yet remarried. Who would want to marry a woman who believed that marriage would be dull and boring? No wonder I kept being attracted to unavailable, incompatible, commitment-phobic men. I was doing everything I could to avoid marriage. I was afraid of commitment. Wow! My next thought was, "Where did that negative attitude come from?" Here is the list of sources I believe contributed to my negative attitude: (as you read this list, put a check mark next to the ones that you can relate to)
The media’s messages about marriage are particularly negative. Here’s an example. Think about a recent movie you’ve seen where the couple was in the throws of passion which led to the bedroom. Were they married to each other? Probably not. In fact, most of the time you see a couple about to have exciting, passionate sex, they are usually NOT married. Now, think about a movie where a married couple is locked in a passionate embrace. Still thinking, aren't you? Not so easy to remember that scene, is it? So what is the media and our memories teaching us? They are teaching us that married life and married sex are dull and boring, and the only time in your life that you can have excitement and passionate sex is while you are single. Are you buying that??? If so, you’ve been brainwashed by Hollywood. The result in hanging on to the negative attitude is the bitterness that builds up inside of you. It’s a form of emotional baggage. Because you believe that marriage is a terribly unpleasant experience, you will do everything you can to avoid it. You will sabotage a relationship as soon as you begin to "feel" as if you are married to your dating partner (usually after 6 to 12 months when routines have been established). The longer the relationship lasts, the more you feel "married." You may not have even discussed marriage with your dating partner; however, you begin to get that panicky feeling. You say to yourself, "I’ve got to get out of here before the dull, boring stuff begins." Then you develop a pattern of going from one short-term relationship to another—one heartbreak after another… How sad… After my co-worker’s wake-up call, the realization hit, "I’ll never attract a healthy, loving partner into my life if I hang on to that negative attitude." In my next article, we’ll look at the steps to developing a positive attitude toward marriage. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 – Two are better than one because they have a good return for their work: if one falls down, the other can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up. Melody Ellenberger
"We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do." -Aristotle |
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