FEATURE ARTICLE:  

"WHY TAKE A RELATIONSHIP CLASS?"

by Melody Ellenberger

    The hardest part about doing these workshops is marketing them.  How do I break through all the misconceptions that keep single adults from attending a relationship workshop?

    Maybe one thing I can do is to make a list of what I believe to be the misconceptions and then give my reply.  (To which of these do you relate?)

MISCONCEPTION #1:  "If I attend a relationship workshop, everyone will think there is something wrong with me or that I’m a loser with a capital L."

MY REPLY:  Are college students "losers" because they have to take classes in order to get a degree so that employers will be more likely to hire them???  WINNERS admit that they don't know all there is to know about relationships, and are willing to sharpen their social skills so they can make better choices and attract healthier partners in the future.  Many of our workshop attendees have entered committed relationships within one or two years of completing the series.

MISCONCEPTION #2:  "I’m in a dating relationship right now and these workshops are only for people who aren’t involved with anyone."

MY REPLY:  The mistake that many singles make is that they stop doing personal growth work once they start dating someone.  It is almost as if the fact that someone wants to date them has magically solved their issues.  It is always a good sign when a new dating partner supports you in attending the workshops, or agrees to attend with you.  

MISCONCEPTION #3 from a woman's viewpoint: "It seems like only women attend these types of workshops, but if the ratio is not equal, then I don't want to attend."

MY REPLY:  The ratio of men to women varies from workshop to workshop.  Of course, I always hope for an equal number, but the most important factor is that the people attending are ready to learn--not to just find someone new to date.  Also, most people find it easier to work on themselves if they are not attracted to anyone in the group, as they are more focused and more willing to share without holding back.

MISCONCEPTION #4 from a man's viewpoint:  "I’m afraid I’ll hear a lot of male-bashing."

MY REPLY:  Ground Rules are posted at each workshop and one of them is "No Male/Female Bashing."  If the group hears anything that sounds like bashing, we intervene.  Examples of bashing are statements like "All men are ..." or "All women are ...."

MISCONCEPTION #5:  "If I share a dating experience with the group, I'm afraid they will make a comment that makes me feel humiliated."

MY REPLY:  As the facilitator, it is my job to see that there is safe sharing within the group.  When I break the large group into smaller groups, I go around the room and visit each group for a few minutes; however, I can’t be with each group at the same time.  Therefore, it is your responsibility as a participant to help me out and raise your hand if you hear an inappropriate comment.   Another Ground Rule is to refrain from giving unsolicited advice and playing ‘therapist.’

MISCONCEPTION #6:  "I already know how to have a healthy relationship.  I’ve already experienced one or two or three…"

MY REPLY:  Uh-huh… describe "healthy" to me???  I once asked a group of singles, "How many of you have experienced a healthy relationship?"  Out of a group of 20 people, 7 of them raised their hands.  I then asked those 7 to keep their hands raised if their partner with whom they had had the healthy relationship was no longer living.  All of their hands went down.  If you are in a relationship that is truly happy, healthy and compatible, there is NO reason (except death) for it to end.  It takes quality of time AND quantity of time.  No, I don’t believe that a relationship can be healthy to begin with and then you just "grow apart."  The reason the couple grows apart is because they quit communicating and quit being emotionally supportive of each other.  And that is NOT a healthy relationship.  A couple that truly wants to stay together will find a way to do so.

MISCONCEPTION #7:  "Since these workshops are Christian-based, that means they're going to be preachy, and I don't like being made to feel guilty and shameful."

MY REPLY:  During the course of a workshop, I read 3 or 4 brief passages of scripture that pertain to the topic at hand, and then we move on to the next exercise.  The scripture is not analyzed as these are not Bible studies—they are relationship classes.  The scripture is read to provide an important spiritual element. I don't preach or lecture because I believe the best format for developing healthier relationship skills is an interactive, experiential format.  Anyone who is guided by a higher power is welcome at the workshops.  Anyone can choose to live by higher values and morals--they're not just for Christians.  Another one of the Ground Rules is that we show respect to each other and bashing of other religions is not allowed. It's actually a very good sign if you feel little twinges of guilt, because that shows you are recognizing your mistakes and are ready to choose healthier behavior.     

MISCONCEPTION #8:  "I’m afraid these workshops will be like a support group and that’s not my thing."

MY REPLY:  These workshops are definitely NOT a support group.  We follow  structured outlines for each topic that make each workshop not only educational, but FUN!  

MISCONCEPTION #9:  "The creator/facilitator of these workshops is single, so how good can they be?"

MY REPLY:  I was previously married once for 10 years, so I have experience. If I had taken relationship workshops like these when I was 18, I would not have married the man I married and thus, would have avoided a lot of grief.  I bring a lot of education to the workshops, and I am also growing and learning. Just like you, I hope to experience a healthy, lasting marriage.  (To find out more about Melody's background, click here:  Facilitator's Bio.)

Luke 6:42 – How can you say to another, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye?

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Last modified: October 23, 2010