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| | Articles
for Singles
10
bloodcurdling lines that scare men most
By Bob Strauss
Halloween's here, so brace yourselves for a real horror: Most guys would
rather fling themselves into a pit of flesh-eating zombies than grapple
with the age-old dating issues they're truly terrified by. Here are some
things you should be careful not to say — the equivalent of sneaking up
behind your boyfriend and yelling "Boo!"
"Does your bathroom always look like this?"
Granted, a three-hour burst of frenzied scrubbing is no substitute for
diligent, long-term maintenance. Guys are terrified of coming off as
slobs, so better to praise the 45 percent that's clean than criticize the
55 percent that's not.
"By the way, we're having dinner with Edgar and Diane next
week."
If a guy's not scared enough that you're already doing "couple"
things, scheduling them without consultation (and especially during Monday
Night Football) is sure to make him run screaming into the night.
"You're not really going to wear that, are you?"
Just because we've been dressing ourselves for twenty or thirty years
doesn't mean we're not open to suggestions. But most guys, when they hear
this question, break out in a cold sweat and picture themselves in a tutu
and ballet slippers.
"Don't worry, kitty won't bite."
No, she won't bite, but she'll scratch, shed and shred furniture. It's a
known scientific fact (you can look it up) that, way deep down, 75 percent
of guys are terrified of cats.
"I don't think I care for your friend Jimmy."
So what if Jimmy covered your back during that sixth-grade dodgeball game
and you've been bosom buddies ever since? No guy wants a new relationship
to crowd out his old friends. More to the point, no guy wants his old
friends to accuse him of being "whipped" by his new gal pal.
"What are you thinking?"
Such a simple question, and yet so fraught. Here's a peek into the average
guy's thought processes: Does she want an honest answer? Does she want me
to make something up? If I say the wrong thing, will she send me to clean
the bathroom?
"My mom and dad really want to meet you."
No guy expects to be liked by his girlfriend's parents; mild disapproval
would be a good outcome, and homicidal loathing is always a distinct
possibility. And, of course, today's girlfriend's mom is tomorrow's
mother-in-law.
"You were snoring, so I slept on the couch."
One of the great things about being alone, and then not being alone, is
all the wonderful things you learn about your sleeping habits. Go easy on
the revelations; if things work out, you and your beau will have plenty of
time to accommodate each others' nocturnal quirks.
"Great news! My sister/friend/cousin is
engaged/married/pregnant."
Competition, from a guy's point of view, is a powerful thing. It may or
may not be what you intended, but when your boyfriend hears this, he
visualizes himself with a big red target painted on his back. (Or some
other part of his anatomy.)
"Does this dress make my hips look big?"
I once knew a guy who ripped his own head off rather than answer this
question. Believe me, he's much better off.
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